Today, I heard back from one of my personal heroes, a professor at UBC, that she would be more than happy to be my adviser. My letters of recommendation are all fired up and ready for me to mail them. My application for a Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council grant is underway. I am almost done with my statement of intent for grad school.

What’s the problem then?

All of this is very precarious, and dependent on me meeting the deadlines, which might not happen, not because of any outside tragic circumstances, but because of my own habit of self-sabotaging my own happiness.

It never fails, if I come close to making my dreams come true, I’ll suddenly become extremely passive, or goof off, or waste time, or forget to do one Major Thing.

I’m still getting at the root of why I do it. I feel like it has to do with fearing what would happen if I did in fact, get what I wanted through my hard work.

For now, I’m keeping my schedule tightly controlled until the due dates in order to avoid this.